Overthinking Twilight

okay, first of all, here's the video that brought all this overthinking of books about-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSR8J6LUaT8&feature=channel

now i'll get on to the actual reason i'm blogging about it.

okay, so really, he just mentioned Edward Cullen in passing, when talking about how Holden in Catcher in the Rye is not a likeable person. actually, what he said was something along the lines of
"there's this, like, weird but pervasive feeling that in the world of contemperary coming-of-age fiction that characters ought to be, like, the person you want to be, or the person you want to be with, and i'm happy to aknowledge that Holden Caughfeild is not the guy you wanna be or the guy wanna be with. he's not Edward Cullen."

and the thing is, is that Edward is the person you want to be with.

not the person you want to be, because he's got this constant, undying hatrid of himself. he hates that he's brought all this pain and suffering upon Bella (whom i will get to in a minute), but even before Bella, he HATED himself. he hated what he was, he hated killing, he hated being a "monster." and i think that's part of what makes him so likeable. he's one of those few people who are so likeable in so many ways, but can't believe it, and that's part of what makes them likeable. when people believe or know that they're likeable, when they realize that fact, they become less likeable almost instantaniously. it's like that knowledge inflates their brains. and Edward's brain is, happily, un-inflated.

now to Bella.

Bella, in contrast to Edward, really isn't very likeable. on the outside, she is entirely likeable, but on the inside, she complains A LOT. seriously. (i mean, i can relate to her in some ways, but we're not going to go into that.) she IS nice, and tries not to hurt people, but the fact that she DOES hurt people, such Jacob and Charlie, and even Edward at times, makes you dislike her. it doesn't matter that she doesn't want to hurt these people, it's just the fact that she does. (although it would be worse if she didn't know that she hurt them. the fact that she knows redeems her a bit.)

the thing that REALLY makes the books something you want to read, i think, is the fact that no matter how you don't like Bella's perspective, no matter how unfathomable it is, the way Edward and Bella care for each other and want to make sure nothing bad happens to one another totally throws all of that out the window. you can't help but marvel at the fact that, no matter what happens, Edward and Bella will always, always, always love each other.

sorry. i went of in a really long rant.
and i'm sorry if i over-thunk (over-thunk? is that a word? well, it is now.) that whole thing. i'm done now.

you know, it would be A LOT harder to read if Bella were more like Rosalie...or, heaven forbid, if Rosalie herself were the narrator. god! she's such a bitch.

xoxoxoxoxoxo
Brii333

ps...i've been meaning to read Wuthering Heights. i've heard that the characters (yea, from Edward in Twilight talking about it. i meant to read it before that, anyway.) are NOT very likeable, kind of like Holden. of course, i'm just assuming, but...you know how it is...

I SOLVED THE NINJA-SAMURAI PROBLEM!!!

okay, so for the longest time, i have wondered....

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NINJA AND A SAMURAI???????

jesus. you'd think it wouldn't take me so long to remember to figure out the answer.

if you REEEEALLY want to know, you can look at this book: "Ninja: The Shadow Warrior" by Joel Levy.

if you want to know really bad, but are too lazy to go find the answer in a book, here is an excerpt (although i'm pretty sure it's not exactly legal to copy part of books into blogs, but i'm doing it anyway. sheesh, it's not like i'm not giving this Joel guy credit. i recommended his book, for the love of all that is awesome!):

Ninja: The Shadow Warrior
Joel Levy
Page fourteen

Some teachers of ninjutsu emphasize that the key to ninja philosophy is found in the interpretation of the word "ninja" as "one who endures." In other words, the ninja philosophy is one of stoicism, of taking all that life throws at a person, enduring it, and attaining one's goal. This emphasizes on the end rather than the means is part of what sets the ninja in opposition to the samurai. The samurai, who were Japan's warrior caste, developed very strict ethical and behavioral precepts that governed how they lived, fought, and died. Honor was paramount, and to maintain that honor it was essential to fightin a noble, forthright fashion: the warrior met the enemy head-on, ideally in single combat out in the open, and announced himself, actively seeking as much attention as possible, before combat. The samurai was expected to place honor above life, so that if he lost a battle, was captured, or failed in his duty to his lord ideally he committed suicide.

The tradition and philosophy of the ninja were the antithesis of the samurai way. the ninja's roots were in poor farming communities and social strata that were looked down upon by the haughty and aristocratic samurai. His philosophy was to avoiad open combat where possible, to use any means of subterfuge, dishonesty, trickery, or strategy to acheive his ends, and to succeed at all costs. The ninja often worked as a mercenary, with no loyalty to his employer, and was probably despised by the samurai as embodying all the traints and behaviors the samurai sought to avoid.

if you are REALLY lazy and don't want to read it even if i just spend a whole minute of my life illegally copying part of a book for you, here is a quick translation:
The samurai is a sore loser that will kill himself to "protect his honor," and will not fight dirty, even to save his life, while the ninja is an opportunist who will sneak in the background and cheat to finish the job, essentially making himself a better assasin then the samurai, and obviously more awesome then him, as well.

and that's it for the differences between the samurai and the ninja. my verdict is:
NINJA IS BETTER THEN SAMURAI. i mean, my Grampa, who fought the Japanese in WWII, says that soldiers were like that even then: i mean, honor is good, but you don't kill yourself when you lose a battle. that would get exasperating, you know what i mean? imagine all the people you're hurting, besides pulling yourself farther to the losing side of things if you kill yourself and don't keep fighting.

don't get me wrong, i value honor. if i don't have to, i am absolutely not going to lie, cheat, steal, or trick people. but i'm not going to kill myself to protect HONOR, of all things. jeez. i may like to think that i would jump in front of a bullet to save others (that seems my ideal way to die) but i'm not going to die for something that stupid.

so, essentially, honor is important, but not important enough to die for.

i will forget about honor if it means protecting those i love.

Peace,
Brii333

YouTube

Okay, most people on YouTube are excellent. I mean, really. (They put up with me very well, which means they are automatically sweet.) But there are those certain ones that really just are...mean! (mean!) it got me thinking when i watched
THIS VIDEO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA5z6apJP0w

I'm sorry, if i had a better way to share videos, i would use it.
but it's great.
i don't know how to be a Nerd Fighter, but i will be. maybe i just need to be awesome.

anyway...

so there's this zaceffron4lifee person that he mentions in the video that is "a real meanie." which made me realize that Zac Effron fans are just MEAN! what the fuck? you know what one Zac Effron fan said to me? you know what he said?

JesseJonasandZac (2 months ago)
Lei ha detto che i signori nominano in vano spero che lei va alla femmina di inferno

you know what that means? i looked it up on google translate. it means this:
She said that the gentlemen named in vain hope that she goes to the female of hell

which i think is actually "she said God's name i hope she goes to hell."
(google translate isn't very good, for future reference. remind me to go find a better translater.)

WHAT THE FUCKKKK!
jesus!
i mean, i can see how, sometimes, people get PISSED OFF. (except for me.) but jeez, most of them don't go around saying shit like that just specifically because they said god, or actually, i think what i said was "for christ's sake."

**sigh** i can deal.

anyways, i love youtube, and as soon as i remember, i'm going to start a video blog type thing. that'll be fun. heeheehee...

i think i'm going to save up to get myself my own video camera, though. nobody ever gets me what i really want.
Mom and Dad do their best, but it's never really a very good one. i mean, my "new" one is excellent for taking videos (kind of) but it sucks for taking pictures. and the one before that is good for pictures but not videos. i think i should just take matters into my own hands.

i mean, my "new" camera WAS free...the only part we needed to pay for was the ten dollar memory card. so i guess i got off easy and i'm just being selfish, but I DON'T CARE. i want a good video camera that can take good pictures.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
Brii333

ps...no quote of the day today.

pps...remind me to push Catcher in the Rye up a bit on my booklist.

Help!

I started research for my book. I'm so stoked! It's going to be about the possibility or improbability that certain mythological creatures could exsist. (I can't remember if I already talked about it or not, so if I did, I will again.) I've decided to go with vampires, shape-shifters, the Loch Ness Monster and other lake monsters (such as Champie in Canada's Lake Champlain), faeries, mer-people, sirens, and a number of other creatures, and there's a long list of them waiting for confirmation. However, I have encountered a minor setback...

I CAN'T FIND ANY CREDIBLE BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT!!!

Okay, I take that back. I have found a few, some of which i have only found the title/author but have not actually physically found, such as a few books by Montague Summers. I will also say that "Encyclopedia Horrifica" by Joshua Gee is a very credible source, and would be even more excellent if i could find any of the books in the selective bibliography located in the back of the book.

But can you believe how damn difficult it is to find a book on werewolves?? WEREWOLVES!! and Merpeople? what the fuck???

so i guess that what i really put this post here for was to ask you...no, implore you...to HEEELLLLP MEEEEE!!!!!! anyone, anyone, anyone who happens across my sad, pathetic blog, PLEEEEASE leave books/magazine articals/newspaper articals/anything useful that happens to be actual historical information on what people believed these things were. (please, not another modern version of them. i mean, sure, modern shapeshifters and faeries and vampires [ect] are cool, but that's not what history's "monsters" looked like.) (don't get me wrong, Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" kicks ass, as does "The Vampires Seduction" by Raven Hart, but it's just not the real thing! it's not!!! ASS!)

HELLLP!!!!!!

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Throughout the shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both.
~Montague Summers

De-Zombification, Nessie, and More!!!

I believe i have discovered a cure for the dreaded Zombie disease!!!!

So, you know Zombies eat brains, right? And they're SUPER slow all the time, and you can never understand what they say because everything sounds like they've got food in their mouth, probably because they're ligiments and joins and flesh, including the toungue, are decomposing. My brilliant plan will not only feed their neverending hunger for brains, but also make them faster so you can understand what they're talking about.

First, we must synthasize a LOT of brains. Then, we'll infuse them with caffine! Pure genius!!!

How did i stumble upon this sudden blast if intelligence? well, you see, i had some trouble getting out of bed this morning, and i acted and looked a bit like the walking dead. and all it took was a mug of coffee to clear that all up!!! i even look a little less dead. :D


i have also come to the conclusion that the Loch Ness Monster was trained as a Ninja. This is why no one can ever catch her.

I'd love to hear everyone elses theories. :D if you have any, please feel free to post them in the comments.


I was thinking about all the people who don't believe in any mythical beasts...not faeries, not vampires, not were-creatures--not even aliens, though those aren't really mythical--simply because there is no scientific proof that they could exsist.

Who ever said that everything had to be proved by science? Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, Champie (in Lake Champlain), the Kraken, the Sphinx, the Chimera, Minataurs, Giants...everything needs to be explained to them!! who ever said they need explaining?

And then there are those don't believe in these fascinating beings because they don't think that the human race could possibly have a preditor, because we're apparently the "superior species."

who's to say that we don't have a preditor, something that hunts us? every other species has a preditor, every one. why should we be any different?

**sigh** i just think it's stupid to rule anything out. like the whole Kraken/Giant Squid issue. yeah, giant squids are huge. but why should that mean that there isn't something bigger out there, something that could swallow an entire ship? i mean, the ocean is so increadibly vast that it seems idiotic to rule out the fact that there could be something else out there that preys on ships and can gulp down the entire thing in a few swallows?

i dunno.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Fairy tales do not tell children that dragons exsist. Children already know that dragons exsist. Fairy tales tell children that dragons can be killed.
~G.K. Chesterton

The Dresden Dolls (lyrics)

"Missed Me"

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister i might tell my sister
if i tell her mister she might tell my mother and my
mother, mister, just might tell my father and my father
mister he won't be too happy and he'll have his lawyer
come up from the city and arrest you mister
so i wouldnt miss me if you get me, mister, see?

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister you must think im pretty
if you think so mister you must want to fuck me
if you fuck me mister it must mean you love me
if you love me mister you would never leave me
it's as simple as can be!

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you miss me mister why do you keep leaving
if you trick me mister i will make you suffer
and they'll get you mister put you in the slammer
and forget you mister then i think you'll miss me
won't you miss me won't you miss me

missed me missed me now you've got to kiss me
if you kiss me mister take responsibility
i'm fragile mister just like any girl would be
and so misunderstood (so treat me delicately!)

missed me missed me now you've gone and done it
hope you're happy in the county penitentiary
it serves you right for kissing little girls but i will visit if you miss me
do you miss me? MISS ME??
how's the food they feed you??
do you miss me
will you kiss me through the window?
do you MISS ME? MISS ME??!!
will they ever let you go???
i miss my mister so!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpeWHPtviFQ&feature=related

"Coin Operated Boy"

coin operated boy
sitting on the shelf
he is just a toy
but i turn him on
and he comes to life
automatic joy
that is why i want a
coin operated boy

made of plastic and elastic
he is rugged and long-lasting
who could ever ever ask for more?
love without complications galore

coin operated boy
all the other real ones that i destroy
cannot hold a candle to my new boy and i'll
never let him go and i'll never be alone
not with my coin operated boy......

this bridge was written to make you feel smittener
with my sad picture of
girl getting bitterer
can you extract me
from my plastic fantasy
i didnt think so
but im still convinceable
will you persist even after i bet you
a billion dollars that i'll never love you
will you persist even after i kiss you
goodbye for the last time
will you keep on trying to prove it?
i'm dying to lose it...
i'm losing my confidence
i want it...
i want you...
i want a...
coin operated boy.

and if i had a star to wish on
for my life i can't imagine
any flesh and blood could be his match
i can even take him in the bath

coin operated boy
he may not be real experienced with girls
but i know he feels like a boy should feel
isnt that the point?
that is why i want a coin operated boy
with his pretty coin operated voice
saying that he loves me
that hes thinking of me
straight and to the point
that is why i want
a coin operated boy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAnyYTjjhJ0&feature=channel_page

Girl Anachronism

you can tell from the scars on my arms and cracks in my hips and the dents in my car
and the blisters on my lips
that i'm not the carefullest of girls
you can tell from the glass on the floor
and the strings that're breaking and i keep on breaking more and it looks like i am shaking
but it's just the temperature
and then again if it were any colder i could disengage
if i were any older i could act my age
but i dont think that youd believe me
it'snot the way i'm meant to be it's just the way the operation made me

and you can tell from the state of my room that they let me out too soon and the pills that i ate came a couple years too late and ive got some issues to work through
there i go again pretending to be you
make-believing that i have a soul beneath the surface trying to convince you
it was accidentally on purpose
i am not so serious this passion is a plagiarism i might join your century but only on a rare occasion
i was taken out before the labor pains set in and now
behold the world's worst accident
i am the girl anachronism

and you can tell
by the red in my eyes and the bruises on my thighs and the knots in my hair and the bathtub full of flies that i'm not right now at all
there i go again pretending that i'll fall don't call the doctors cause they've seen it all before they'll say just let her crash and burn she'll learn
the attention just encourages her
and you can tell from the full-body cast that i'm sorry that i asked though you did everything you could (like any decent person would)
but i might be catching so don't touch
you'll start believeing youre immune to gravity and stuff don't get me wet because the bandages will all come off

and you can tell
from the smoke at the stake that the current state is critical
well it is the little things, for instance:
in the time it takes to break it she can make up ten excuses:
please excuse her for the day, its just the way the medication makes her...
i dont necessarily believe there is a cure for this so i might join your century but only as a doubtful guest i was too precarious removed as a caesarian behold the worlds worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANACHRONISM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO5APfKnR50&feature=related

Grampa's War Experience

Okay, so I always knew that Grampa F. was in the Marines during WWII. But today, I got to see/read some real evidence of it!!! It was fascinating. He let me read some letters he'd sent to his parents, and I read a few articals from newspapers--one was written about those on his ship when they were in the Phillipines, one was written in what looked like a local paper from when they lived in Washington, when he and his brother had met on the ocean. It looked like they were just letting the community know that their friends were still reasonably alive.

It kind of bothered me to see that he'd been among those calling the Japanese "Japs," but I suppose it was WWII, that's just what they were called at the time.

Overall, it was all really very interesting.

Also, i got to see some Japanese money, along with some pesos from the Phillipines, some Japanese matches, Japanese ciggarettes (which were all shriveled), some old cigars (those were huge!), and some cats-eyes that he'd gotten on one of the islands he'd been on below the equator (he asked me to polish a few of them in my rock tumbler; i was a bit nervous about that, because it makes them a lot smaller, but i told him i'd try).

It was really, really fascinating; I got to learn about my grampa (MY grampa!) defending his country--I knew it before, but now it just seems so much more real.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Leave politics to politicians... You as military men, as soldiers, as heroes have the responsibility to protect the state so that all may live in peace whether they are in harmony or have differences."
~Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki (to Iraqi troops)

"Broken" by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Name Origins and Meanings

i got bored and decided to look up what various names meant. :) if you want to find what a name means and i don't have it, look here-- www.name-meanings.com

here's what i got (these are names of people actual people, some famous, some fictional, some i actually know. there are only first and middle names.)

BRIANNA LYNNE
Brianna = Strong One. Celtic/Gaelic.
Lynne = Beautiful Waterfall. English.

BILLIE JO
Billie = Defender of Justice. German.
Jo = ??? Hebrew.

RACHEL ANNA
Rachel = Innocent Lamb. Hebrew.
Anna = Gracious. Hebrew.

TRICIA KAY
Tricia = Noble Woman. Latin.
Kay = ??? ???

KATE
Kate = Pure, Virginal. German.

EMILY
Emily = Admiring. Latin.

AMY LEE
Amy = Beloved. Latin.
Lee = Sheltered from the Storm. English.

CLAUDE
Claude = Lame (haahaa, poor guy). Latin.

COLTON
Colton = Coal Town (no, that's not a joke, that's what it really means). English.

SANDRA ANNE
Sandra = Helper of Humanity. Greek.
Anne = Gracious. Hebrew.

MICHAEL PAUL
Michael = Who Is Like God? (yes, the question mark is part of the meaning). Hebrew.
Paul = Small. Latin.

FRANCIS MAYBEL
Francis = Free. Latin.
Maybel = ??? ???

MYRON
Myron = Fragrant Balm (haa, that's the name of a grumpy old man!). Greek.

GERARD ARTHUR
Gerard = Brave. French.
Arthur = Follower of Thor. No Known Origin.

OSCAR
Oscar = Accurate Spearsman. Scandinavian.

MARTIN LUTHER
Martin = Warlike. Latin.
Luther = Famous Warrior. German.

BRADLEY ROLAND
Bradley = Meadow. English.
Roland = Famed Throughout the Land. German.

SKYLAR LEVI
Skylar = Learned One. Scandinavian.
Levi = United, As One. Hebrew.

EDWARD
Edward = Wealthy Gaurdian. (ironic.) English.

ISABELLA
Isabella = Concecrated to God. Italian.

BELLA
Bella = Beautiful. Latin.

ALICE
Alice = Truth, Noble. Greek.

JASPER
Jasper = Semi-Precious Stone. English.

ROSALIE
Rosalie = From Rose and Lee. English.

EMMETT
Emmett = Strong Worker.

CARLISLE
Carlisle = City of Lugovalos. Scottish.

ESME
Esme = Emerald. Greek.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
by any other name would smell as sweet.
~ Shakespear, "Romeo and Juliet," Juliet

The Legend of Mercy Brown--New Englands Last Vampire

I was looking on information about vampires for my book, and I ran across the legend of Mercy Brown, one of the most popular North American vampires. I found it fascinating, and thought I'd type it up here.

Mercy Brown was a daughter of George and Mary Brown in the late 1800s. I suppose the story starts when Mary Brown died of consumption, now called tuberculosis, in 1888. She was followed closely into the after-life by her's and George's oldest child, Mary Olive.

Then, in 1891, Mercy, at the young age of nineteen, died of consumption as well, leaving George and the youngest child, Edwin (whom was also ill with the same disease), behind.

Friends and neighbors of the family, being superstitious, believed that one of the family members was a vampire, which was why all George's family were dying. Two months after Mercy's death, George was finally convinced that digging up the dead family members and burning what remained was the only way to make Edwin well again.

So Mary, Mary Olive, and Mercy were all dug from their graves. Mary and Mary Olive were, of course, thouroughly decomposed; Mercy, however, still had blood in her heart and was not decomposed at all. Her heart was removed and burned, and the other two women's remains were also burned as a precaution.

Despite their efforts, Edwin died about two months later.

Of course, there is a rational explaination as to why Mercy was not decomposed at all, while Mary Olive and their mother were--Mercy had been buried in cold weather, and the ground was frozen around her, preventing any significant decomposition.

So, was Mercy Brown really a vampire, or simply an object of the superstitions of the nineteenth centure? You decide...

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Throughout the vast shadowey world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as the vampire, who is himself neither ghost nor demon, but who partakes in the dark natures and possesses the terrable qualities of both.
~Montague Summers

...

Mom asked me a question a few days ago, and it's been bothering me; "Where do you see yourself as an adult?"

To tell the truth, I'm afraid to be honest.

I really don't see myself living anywhere. Maybe a van, just making what money i can in Seattle, or LA maybe, selling stories to papers and magazines, most likely.

I don't want to be tied down in one place, at least not at first.

Someday, i do want a family, a home--maybe even with kids (probably adopted). But i want to find the right person to start that with before i do.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Not all who wander are lost.
~J.R.R. Tolkien

Nail Polish

i hate nail polish.
i mean, i actually love nail polish, but it's kind of a love-hate relationship, you know? like i hate having nothing on my fingernails, cuz they're gross, but i hate having to keep up the nail polish. and then, i'm a busy woman, i don't have time to sit and wait for the nail polish to dry, so i'll paint my nails and then i'll go to go do something and it won't be completely dry yet, because i'm immensly impatient when it comes to stuff like that. AAAACK!!!! i can't stand iitttttt!!!!!! eek!

i also hate bells that tell me i have to go to class. uch.

xoxo,
Brii333

I HATE SHOP CLASS!!!!!!!!

okay, i already hated that class, but the rest of this is going to be even more miserable then it already was.

we're studying Industry, and we had to go into groups of four for it, by "luck of the draw," as Mr. N put it. okay, Mr. N is cool, but i ended up with three of the fuckers who made my elementary school experience a complete and total misery: Billy, Kyle, and Garrett. okay, Garrett didn't make my life miserable in elementary school, but he sure is making me miserable now. and Billy and Kyle? those two were some of the "popular" kids that made sure i only had one friend, who is great. but i mean, to put me in a group with them is going to make life HELL for a while...

anyhoo, just wanted to complain about that while i had time. i needed to vent.

i want to go to the movies and watch Twilight again. that was such a good movie!!!! i still can't believe that some people are saying that it sucked! i think that they did an excellent job! it's one of the best book-to-movie transitions i've ever seen. i mean, yeah, the part where you see Edward all glittery turned out really cheesey, but the rest of it was excellent.

Ninjas and Anime

okay, so i wanted to put a nice background of cute little cartoon ninjas on here, just so it would match the title of my blog. so i trot on over (metephorically) to Google Images, thinking, "okay, ninja, it shouldn't be that hard to find." so i type in "cartoon ninja wallpaper" and BAM! a bunch of underdressed anime whores with long hair!!!! what the fuck???? okay, does "ninja" translate directly to fucking "Anime" these days? i mean, come on! Anime was great, for a while. it's good art, most of the time. but i don't want to go and type in something simple, like "Ninja" or "My Chemical Romance" and get a bunch of fucking Anime fan art or crap that people with medeocre talent draw to make themselves feel like they have skills!!! what the fuck??? it is really starting to get to me that everything translates into fucking ANIME!!!!! stop drawing ANIME and start drawing something GOOD, peope!!!!!

Damn you all!!!!!!!

BOO!

okay, so i know what i want to do with my life.
journalism.
writing.
music.
maybe writing for a music magazine, like Rolling Stone or Guitar Player. i could interveiw people for them, and write stories about musicians.

the only problem with this is, i don't know where i would go to school for it! probably some form of art school, because it would be literary arts, and i would like to take music classes, most likely vocals. (i'd do piano, but i'm not very good at it, so i keep it a private thing. just for me! i could probably teach piano though, i don't need a degree for that.)

i've been looking around, but these things are harder to find then you'd think.

gotta go, the bells gonna ring...

xoxo,
Brii333

--insert title here--

i got called pretty yesterday.
wow.
that doesn't happen!!! that's never happened, ever, unless you count my mom trying to boost my self-esteem (self-esteem is overrated). holy crap.
of course, i'm not gonna say who said it, just in case they don't want anyone to know that they called me pretty.
and it was kinda funny, because they said it in spanish and i couldn't remember what it meant at first, and then like, hours later i was finally like "holy crap!"

anywayz...

i don't know what to talk about. tricia's complaining her head's about to explode. i hope not, because i like this vest and i don't really want blood stains on it.

um..
umm..
umm..
ummm..
ummm..
ummm..
ummm..
ummmm..
ummmm..
i don't know what to talk about.
FUUUUUUCK. i want chocolate milk. mmm, yummy.
i need a life. i mean, the only people who blog are the ones who have nothing better to do!!!! damnit!!! how am i going to get myself a life????? FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

okay, i'm going to go get myself chocolate milk and a bean burrito.
adios, amigos&amigas!!!!!
xoxo,
Brii333

I'M PASSING EVERYTHING!!!!!!! EEK!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD, I'M PASSING BIOLOGY!!!!! WITH A *B*!!!!!!

here's my grades:
I. Tech--*C-*
Fund. Lit--*B*
Spanish I--*A*(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Biology--*B* (!!!!!!)
Choir--*A*

wow. that's the best grades i've had in a LONG ass time. thank you, special ed.

dude, i'm down to five fish. Napolean DIED!!! (*sob*) now i only have Fred, George, Crappy, Len, and Cartney. time to go get more fiisssshh...

xoxo
Brii333

The Random Rants of a Girl Trying to Avoid Humanity

i'm really just kind of bored, so i decided i would come into the library. actually, no, i'm not just bored, i'm avoiding humanity for a few minutes. i AM allowed to avoid humanity, right? good, because i'm going to.

my friends dog, Ripley, will be the subject of my rants today. mostly because my life is boring and i really have nothing else to rant about, combined with the fact that Ripley is pretty damn awesome. :D

so yeah, Ripley seems to have this fascination with my head, and she kind of likes to chew on it when i'm over there. and then, also, she seems to think she's a lapdog, when really she's this huge golden retreiver that weights like five hundred million bajillion pounds. :P what a brat. she's also afraid of her reflection, watermellons, pizza boxes, ect, ect. you get the picture.

EEK! i need to call my daddy. BJ is going to come with me to his house this weekend, he just doesn't know it yet. i mean, her mom knows it, i know it, mom knows it, i think he's the only one left out of this. **looks like a cross of innocent and guilty**

xoxo,
Brii333

oh yeah, i just figured out how to change the text color. SWEET!!! anywayz, i actually came on here to rant, but BJ just told me how to do that. hee. i was always typing my posts in "edit html" when i needed to be in "compose.

okay, now for my angry rant.

why the fuck does everyone HAVE to find someone to hate??? i mean like, i don't necessarily like some people, or get along with them, or want to talk to them, but i don't HATE them! it's so absolutely aggrivating! i mean, come on people! don't you have something better to do with your life instead of HATE all the time???? to be perfectly honest, i cannot find a good reason to really HATE anyone, even Logan Gooch, who is so ignorant and pitiful that someone should put him out of his misery, even if he doesn't know he needs to be put out of his misery. (the most preferable way for this to happen would be...i don't know...tossing him into the aligator tank at the zoo, or maybe just drop him off a helecoptor in the middle of the ocean...) (now, don't go taking me seriously, i'm not going to go murdering anyone. don't cart me off to an asylum. **shakes head and rolls eyes** sheesh.)

anywayz, my QUOTE OF THE DAY is not at the end of the blog this time, because i want to discuss it:

"If men could only know eachother, they would neither love nor hate."
~Elbert Hubbard

i think that's totally true. i mean, if you really know someone, knows what goes on in their head and really understand them, then maybe we wouldn't hate or love anyone. of course, it might be a good thing that we don't fully understand anyone, because love and hate make us feel ALIVE. if we don't have the ability to feel ALIVE, why would there be any reason left to live?

of course, there's also another quote, from the book "Starship Troopers" by Robert Heinlein. now, i may not be totally right because i don't have my quotebook right in front of me:

"that old saw about 'to understand all is to forgive all' is a load of tripe. some things, the more you understand them, the more you loath them."

that could make sense, too. that part comes after one of the army men ran away from the army camp, broke into someone's house hundreds of miles away, and killed a two-year-old girl.

the thing about that book is that the story is tediously boring and typical and dull, but he has a lot of good ideas about society. i'd recommend it for anyone who's hungry for new ideals, even though the book isn't exactly new. i think the first copy was published in 1959.

also, it was really interesting because a lot of the things that are invented in the story are actually becomming real, along with other "science fiction" books like Farenheit 451. the soldiers in the Mobile Infantry in the story wear machanical suits, and guess what else has a VERY similar (if much more flashy) mechanical suit? Iron Man. pretty cool, huh?

Yikes!

okay, no more really personal stuff in here. i've learned my lesson. **shudders** yeekz.

solo competitions were yesterday. i did alright--thirty-four out of forty. last year, i got a thirty-seven. :P oh well. i know i could have done better--i was really nervous. this was the first time i sang a song that i really understood, and i felt like i was standing up there, baring my soul to the entire audience. the judge even said, "loosen up the tension in your throat and jaw, the sound will come out more clean, crisp, beautiful."

i'll work on that.

i'm also working on a new painting...when it's finished, i'll take a picture of it and put the picture on here. :) it's got a bunch of boxes on it, and each small box represents something bad in my life, and each large box represents something good that i've got. so far, i've filled up all but...um...i think three boxes. i've put in fear, love, hate, nightmare, hope, and...um...being broken. i still need to put in one more bad thing and another good thing--i've still got the smallest box left and the largest box left. i don't know what to put in the large box.

i suppose i'll think of something.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
the basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but that this humiliation is seen by everyone.
~Milan Kundera

XOXO
Brii333

Utitled VIII

--Just as I start to drift off, I’m jolted back by a creak, so soft.
--As I cling to the blankets, I feel something creeps
--Across the floor, and through the room, invisible in the dripping gloom.
--Trembling, I can only assume that the Sandman’s come, with nightmares to seep
--into my mind. They drip from his fingers, eager to leak
--Through my skull—they’ve havoc to wreak.

--He’ll plant in me thoughts of blood and gore, thoughts that I should
--Be forgetting, and sending to hell with my tears.
--In fetal position, I shake and I plead, beg him to choose someone other then me.
--I don’t want to again dream that dream, one he keeps feeding my fears.
--My courage gathers, sit up, turn on a light, then wait for my vision to clear.
--When it does, I wish I’d left the light off--Shut my eyes, and cover my ears.

--But still, I can see, I can hear…the thing on the floor, which shrieks and cowers in fear.
--Who would’ve thought that the poor soul’s single dread was that which makes all that’s good grow?
--Cracking open my eyelids, I let go of my ears, and feel pity for the childlike creature,
--The sandy skin of his back starts to smolder, the things red-rimmed eyes glow in hateful anger.
--The Sandman, he is being charred by the light, and I feel that I’d rather
--Dream again then hear the pitied, poor wraith writhe in the light’s cruel, bright torture.

--And so, reaching up, I turn off the light, brace myself for another nightmare-filled night.
--But then, I feel nothing, and I open my eyes just in time to see Sandman tip-toe out, undisguised.
--Turning back at the very last moment, I see that his glowing red eyes looking directly at me
--He gives me a trembling, hunch-back bow, and I see, just barely, the look in his eyes…
--He’ll be back, every night, without fail, for to drive me mad, lead to my demise…
--And next time, there’ll be no compromise.


okay, yeah, it sucks. i got that. for Lit, we had to write a poem in the style of Edgar Allen Poe's "The Raven." (i love that poem.) but anywayz, just thought i'd post it here for the sake of posting it and whatevz.

TOODLEZ!!!!!
Brii333

Brad Will

so yeah, we're doing this thing for Day of the Dead in spanish class, and i'm doing my alter guy on Brad Will. he's one of my main heroes. why? well, even if you don't want to know (in which case, leave) i'm going to tell you anyway.

Brad will is one of my main heroes because, number one, he dressed up as a sunflower and sat in a tree to protest the destruction of gardens in NYC, sat naked in a tree to protest cutting it down, and played the groom in a fake marriage to his gay friend IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, and many, many more dangerous front-line type things. i mean, he SAT IN A TREE NAKED!!!!!!!! how could you NOT admire him for that. honestly!

also, he died the death that i want to die, the death that happens for someone else, or for a cause you deeply believe in. a Martyr's death.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Another martyr in a dirty war, another bullet cracks the night.
~Bradley Will

toodles!!!
Brii333

complaining

i am really getting fucking sick of everything always being my fault. i've been in a foul mood since yesterday and i have been trying really hard not to be an asshole but apparently trying NOT to be an asshole is making me into more of an asshole and i really want to just crawl into a hole and die and i have no time to explain will make things clearer for whoever has to be reading this later.

LIFE SUCKS.

Untitled VII

--There's a peice of me that no one sees
--That's kept deep down inside of me.
--The part that cries alone at night,
--and watches everything in life.
--The part that cries in dark despair
--When others are hurt, filled with disrepair.

--It's the reason i wear black,
--proudly display all that i lack,
--Stand up for those who've been put down,
--Dive in to save those who've been drown.

--I don't need to show you, or explain,
--the reason that i hide this pain.
--So don't you ask, or even care
--About the soul i CAN'T repair.

--Be kind to others, hide your heart
--From one who WILL tear it apart.


yes, i wrote that. just finished it, as a matter of fact... the ones that are all-caps are supposed to be italisized, but it won't do that on here. or at least, I can't get it to...

Johnny Cash

okay, the song "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails. i liked it, kind of, but then i heard the Johnny Cash version... if NIN did it well, Johnny Cash did it excellently. well, "excellent" is an understatement. the words, i always understood what they said, but the way he sings it speaks to me, deep in my soul. it's hard to explain, or maybe i just don't want to explain. one of those things that i will not say, because it would be like baring a peice of my soul to say it aloud. anywayz, here's the lyrics...

HURT
--i hurt myself today,
--to see if i'd still feel.
--i focus on the pain,
--the only thing that's real.

--the needle tears a hole,
--the all-farmiliar sting.
--try to kill it all away,
--but i remember everything.

--what have i become?
--my sweetest friend.
--everyone i know
--goes away,
--in the end...

--and you could have it all,
-my empire of dirt,
--i will let you down,
--i will make you hurt.

--i wear this crown of thorns,
--upon my liars chair,
--full of broken thoughts
--i cannot repair.
--beneath the stains of time,
--the feelings disappear.
--you are someone else,
--i am still right here.

--what have i become?
--my sweetest friend.
--everyone i know
--goes away,
--in the end.

--and you could have it all.
--my empire of dirt,
--i will let you down,
--i will make you hurt.
--if i could start again,
--a million miles away,
--i would keep myself,
--i would find a way...

another real good song by J.Cash is "Man in Black" listen close to the words, sometime. when i paid more attention to them, i was like..."kay, you'll be wearing black for a loooong time, then... well, i'll put them in here, so you will get it, because (scuze me if you are indignant about my lack of faith in people) you probably won't listen to it.

--Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
--Why you never see bright colors on my back,
--And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
--Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.

--I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
--Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
--I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
--But is there because he's a victim of the times.

--I wear the black for those who never read,
--Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
--About the road to happiness through love and charity,
--Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.

--Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
--In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
--But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
--Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.

--I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
--For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
--I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
--Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.

--And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
--Believen' that the Lord was on their side,
--I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
--Believen' that we all were on their side.

--Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
--And things need changin' everywhere you go,
--But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
--You'll never see me wear a suit of white.

--Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
--And tell the world that everything's OK,
--But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
--'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black.

i get what he's talking about here, too.

Random Thoughts...

you know how there are somethings that you love with all your heart, but you are so afraid to share them?

my poetry is like that. i'm afraid to share my poetry with most people...why? well, i've been thinking...

maybe the reason i don't want to share it is because, if i do, i'll be sharing my soul, a little peice of me that no one sees. the peice of me that i keep shoved down deep, deep inside of me. the part that cries alone at night, and pays attention to everything in life. the part that gasps with dark despair when others are hurt, or full of disrepair.

jesus, that almost sounds like a poem right there. (giggles)

sometimes, it all just comes out, when i least expect it to. but then when i really need words to come out, they don't.
i believe i have a verse in a poem somewhere about that...

--creativity's that river, flowing where it will,
--it seems that when i need them most, the words will never spill.
--for now, they come from out my pen, from this mind they flow,
--like flowers, reaching for the sun, so that my song may grow.
~Scattered (a mild case of ADD), 3-29-08

i wrote that before i even knew i had ADD. basically, it's called that because all four verses are about something completely different.

well, tata for now...

oh oh oh wait a minute!!!!!!! i just remembered...

CONNETICUT NOW IS THE THIRD STATE IN THE U.S TO OK SAME-SEX MARRIAGE!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOT WOOT!!!!!!!!!! **holds up invisible celebration-champagne glass** cheers! TO VICTORY!!! :)

we will get this. we've worked too hard to have all go to waste.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Stand up for what you believe is right, even if you are standing alone.
~icon (unknown)



xoxo
Brii333

Pirates and Poetry

--The King and his men
--stole the Queen from her bed,
--and bound her in her bones...
--the seas be ours, and by the powers,
--where we well will roam...
--yo, ho,
--all hands, hoist the colors high.
--heave, ho,
--theives and beggars, never shall we die...

that's a good song. very pretty, very...i don't know. i just like it. i'd like to get the piano music for it, i could make it sound really good with some practice...

Claude does not like me. [ yes, i am going to complain like a little girl right now. ] he likes Barb, a blonde, small, pretty girl. i told him i liked him. and now, i think he's taunting me. **cringe** i don't think he's dating her...i mean, if he is, okay then, he's not taunting me.
i don't know. the whole thing where i told him went kind of like this:
C: so i think Barb wants to date me.
B: huh.
C: do you think i should?
B: no.
C: why not?
B: just...no.
C: why?
Teacher: okay, i'm starting the movie, be quite! (or something like that...)
B (writing a note): you shouldn't because i like you and i would be jealous. but please don't let that ruin our friendship cuz i know you don't like me that way. (or some such thing)
and he still treats me the same, but it's even worse because he knows i like him and he...argh! i sound all spoiled, like he should not like other girls and show it because i like him. that's not it at all. i've taken to turning away when him and her are all over eachother, because it hurts. christ! since when does liking someone hurt? my chest gets all tight when i see...that. them, all over eachother, flirting outrageously. jesus.
i know he doesn't like me. that's fine. i can handle it. it's not like i haven't dealt with things that hurt just as much.
oh and speaking of things that hurt...
dad missed my IEP meeting. sonofabitch, he says he had the date wrong. i love my daddy to death, but i am sick of standing up for him! it's like he can't take responsibility for having a goddamn kid. i know it would've been better for him if i weren't here, but i am here, and it hurts. it hurts when my own father doesn't care enough to make sure he's there at things like that. goddamnit, what happens in IEP could effect the rest of my life, my possible careers, everything! he could at leaste try to be a parent enough to go to these things.
i absolutely love that he's not all adult-like, most of the time. but sometimes, being an adult is what needs to be done, as much as both the adult and the kid dislike it. and i'm sick of my father not being honest with me, not paying hardly any attention to me (that sounds bratty...)...honestly, he thinks that he can just...buy it all off!!! by getting me my lap top, my thumb drive, my mp3 player...honestly, i would just as soon have none of that and have him care about me. i know i wouldn't feel that way if it were that way, but it's not, so all i want is to be cared about by my father. by ANYONE, really, but my father especially. because i don't know what that's like.
i suppose it could be worse. i could have Billie's biological father, or he could beat me or he could still be drinking, or be like Tricia's dad. hell. i don't know. maybe i am selfish. actually, i know i am. but i'm working on it. i hate that i have to keep changing things about myself, but unless i do, no one will ever like me or care about me. and i want to be cared about. speaking of, i got some new poetry.

A WISHING STAR
--twinkle, twinkle, little star,
--how so very bright you are!
--i wish i may, i wish i might
--have you grant just one wish tonight.

--my wish is for the loving care
--of one who forever and always is there
--to wish me sweet dreams, and kiss me goodnight,
--and love me 'till all else is far from our sight.

--man or woman, black or white,
--large or small, they're all just right.
--someone i can't live without,
--who loves me back, without a doubt.

--twinkle, twinkle, little stars,
--oh! how lovely they all are.
--stars so brilliant, stars so bright,
--please grant my one wish tonight?

MIRROR, MIRROR
--looking in the glass,
--i wish i couldn't see
--the monster that lies hidden there,
--staring back at me.

--dodging glances in the halls
--is not a problem here--
--invisible girl doesn't need to hide
--in order to disappear.

--this mask i wear is good enough
--to keep the demon tame,
--although she cries to be let out,
--although my thoughts she maims.

--mirror, mirror, can't you show
--something that isn't mine?
--the world will see a beautiful face
--while i stay left behind.

okay, the next one, i showed it to my English teacher, and she wants to submit it for...i don't remember what. it mighta been Teen Ink, or something like that.

SESTINA FOR ONE BELOVED
--fight for my Beloved,
--who's life i hold most deeply.
--who would've thought that, when alone,
--this child seems to break my bones?
--fling at me more wods of hate
--that rob me of my breath.

--it robs me of my breath,
--Beloved,
--to care for you so deeply.
--i hate to see you be alone,
--even as you shatter my bones
--with your hammer of hate.

--i wish that i could hate,
--so i could catch my breath.
--why do i care so much, Beloved?
--why do i care so deeply?
--why do have to be alone,
--where silence echoes in my bones?

--i feel an aching in my bones,
--it's edged with fear of hate.
--i wish that i could catch my breath
--to tell you just how much, Beloved,
--i love you, just how deeply.
--i wish i couldn't leave you alone.

--fighting with myself, alone,
--the need to push back in my bones.
--i can't stand how much you can hate
--how i can still have breath.
--and you, Beloved,
--you cut me deeply.

--fighting with one i love deeply,
--feeling so alone.
--my cries are onlyh in my bones.
--to scream aloud, i hate
--to, so i hold back my breath,
--'till i have nothing left, Beloved.

--you are so deeply in your hate,
--it cuts out bones and breath.
--how is it to be alone, Beloved?

SICK
--sick,
--sick,
--sick,
--rolling
--in my
--core,
--making
--me feel
--as if
--the gurgling,
--clawing,
--churning
--is adding
--to the
--problem
--so i
--run,
--run,
--run,
--as it
--comes up
--and out,
--shooting
--like a
--bullet
--from
--a gun.

--sick,
--sick,
--sick.

SCAPEGOAT
--i do as they say,
--feeling sick and alone
--as i giggle and laugh at their jokes.
--i simmer inside,
--and i'm strained, like an ox,
--dreaming, but chained to his yoke.
--i know it's not meant,
--but, unknown, in my hole,
--i think back, then cry as i choke.

--i know it's for fun,
--that it's not 'sposed to hurt,
--but it fuels the resentment inside.
--"no need for affront,"
--i think, and can't shake
--that the comments are all justified.
--"how are you?" they asked
--as i walked in the door...
--and then, as i smiled--i lied.



ya, the picture this time IS me, because I wrote the poems, so therefore, i go on the page. self-centered? probably. do i care? no. okay, ya, maybe a little. i'm kinda self concious about that. but i count the poems as my QUOTE OF THE DAY, so i have to put my own picture there.

xoxo,
Bri333

Sandman and Compatibility Charts

Sandman--faerie-tale character who sprinkled magic sand over the eyes of sleeping children to bring good sleep and dreams.

where did this come from?

i don't know, but the song "Enter Sandman" made me think about that.


--Say your prayers little one
--Dont forget, my son
--To include everyone
--Tuck you in, warm within
--keep you free from sin
--till the sandman he comes
--sleep with one eye open
--gripping your pillow tight

--CHORUS
--Exit, light
--Enter, Night
--Take my hand
--we're off to never-never land

--Somethings wrong, shut the light
--heavy thoughts tonight
--And they aren't of snow white
--dreams of war, dreams of liars
--dreams of dragon's fire
--and of things that will bite
--sleep with one eye open
--gripping your pillow tight

--CHORUS

--SOLO

--Now I lay me down to sleep (x2)
--I pray the lord my soul to keep (x2)
--If i die before i wake (x2)
--I pray the lord my soul to take (x2)

--hush little baby, don't say a word
--never mind that noise you heard
--it's just the beasts under your bed
--in your closet, in your head

--CHORUS (replacing 'take....land with 'grain of sand)
--CHORUS (done the normal way)


It's interesting how Metallica took the good-natured Sandman character and turned him into a nightmare...the one who brings bad dreams to children, instead of sleep and good dreams.

it's a song for the insomniac. maybe that's why i like it so much.


anyways, i was looking at my love compatibility chart--prospects for me look bleak. i mean, all it told me was that i'd never have anything with an Aquarius and the only thing i'd ever have with Gemini is adventure. basically, it looked like this:

these are all the different things that are possible--fun, romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, chilling out, spontaneity, and attentiveness.

Aries-- fun, romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, attentiveness

another Taurus-- fun, romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, chilling out, attentiveness

Gemini-- adventure

Cancer-- fun, romance, loyalty, passion, chilling out, spontaneity, attentiveness

Leo-- romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, chilling out, spontaneity, attentiveness

Virgo-- fun, romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, chilling out, attentiveness

Libra-- fun, romance, adventure, chilling out

Scorpio-- fun, romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, chilling out, attentiveness

Sagittarius-- fun, adventure, chilling out

Capricorn-- fun, romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, chilling out, attentiveness

Aquarius-- 0

Pisces-- fun, romance, loyalty, adventure, passion, chilling out, attentiveness


so, bascally, i get along well with almost every single other sign, but i'll never get any spontaneity from anyone--mainly because Taurus's kind of don't like that much at all.

other stuff it says about me--

i'm loyal aand love security. i have a big heart and will defend any of those i love with my very life. relationships and family are hugely important to me, and my favorite pastime might be a massive dinner party for those i love with lots of indulgent food and drink. i can be a little controlling of those i care for and try to live their life for them, assuming that i know best. i find it difficult to let go of the past, and once i love someone they will always remain in my heart.

i'm funny and warm and will never let down someone i care about. if a friend is in trouble, i am there n a flash to pck up the pieces and cook a comforting meal to cheer them up. i have a nurturing spirit, and although i can be demanding and difficult, i tend to receive back the degree of love that i give. i am as solid as a rock, and that is a rare commodity.

stubborn, sulky, and downright belligerent when i want to be, i never give in and find it hard to apologize. i can be jealous and possessive and need constant reassurance from people; i don't ask for it in an obvious way but i soon let people know if i am not getting my fair share of pampering. i can be lazy and expect others to wait on me hand and foot. (here Brii inserts "damnit. i've been working on it!!!!")

i am totally dependable but fantasize about a life away from all the security that i've creaed. i may long for a romantic fling with no strings attatched, and to explore my freedom. i have a vivid imagination and often daydream about ex-lovers, and i'm a great one for the phrase "what if?" these secret cravings can hold me back, but i'm not supposed to feel guilty, because everyone has a secret side.


so yeah, okay, i can see that. i try real hard not to be too expectant though!!! i try to do my side of things, always, really i do!



other random stuff for my specific birthday--
May 14
Color--Blue
Stone--rutilated quartz
Flora--Peace Lily
Animal--Monkey (???)
Occupation--Taxi Driver, Publisher, Historian
Key Features--studious, articulate, inventive
Naturally good at--all aspects of studying
Love--you tend to get into relationships that begin as friendships. you find yourself easing into this, as you are a little lazy in this area. have a uhmmm..woah. okay, it didn't say that but i'd rather not go into that.
Best Present--wok, foot spa. (lol)


whaaatever. i don't even know why i like this stuff. i just do. :/ i can't help it.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

True, I talk of dreams,
Which are the children of an idle brain,
Begot of nothing but vain fantasy,
Which is as thin of substance as the air
And more inconstant than the wind, who wooes
Even now the frozen bosom of the north,
And, being anger'd, puffs away from thence,
Turning his face to the dew-dropping south.

~Shakespear, "Romeo and Juliet," Act 1, Scene IV, Mercutio

Love to All,
Brii333

In The Library With Tricia and Rachel

okay, minus Rachel. she just left.

We just went around trying to give a ham samich (minus the bread) to people but for some odd reason, no one wanted it!!! why?????? the poor ham samich must be feeling very left out. and depressed. damn. poor thing...either that or it's very happy it won't be being eaten.

lalalalalala!!!!!

i see...an elephant, and a dinasaur, and a mouse reading a book and a beehive and...books. hmm. imagine that. books in a library!!! who would've thought... (jk...)

Tricia says that my friend Tricia is the bestest person in the whooooole entire world!!! yay!!! hehehehehe...

i learned a new phrase today.

light in the loafer.

apparently, that means that your GAY!!! i am...six eights light in the loafer.

hmmm...this song is kind of pretty. "Everything's Magic" by Angels and Airwaves. Michael just came over and since i hadn't heard it he told me to listen to it, so that's what i'm doing.

i'm really bored and i really don't have much to write about except Tricia's trying to guess what i'm saying and it's kind of odd because my thoughts kind of move waaaay too fast for anyone to guess what they are. :/ at least not as i'm thinking them. i've had people try to do that. it doesn't work. well, i guess Tricia's managed it a couple of times.

uuuugh.. there's this kid sitting at the end of the row of computers i'm at and i REALLY don't like him. for some odd reason Alisha
ha ha tricia is taking over. lalalalala
[brianna regains control over the keyboard] anyways...for some odd reason Alisha thinks he's great, and i have absolutely no clue as to WHYYY!!! he's a jackass. and he has absolutely no consideration for anyone else, that i can see. but seeing as i'm talking shit about him, i can't really say much. **bites lip** i wish this thing had smilies, like on gmail, because then i could convey what i'm really thinking a bit more.

i need to remember this website, okay? remind me.
http://www.quotemountain.com/quotes/funny_quotes/
now, DON'T FORGET to remind me about that. ;)

gotta go!!! tanoodles!!!!

Brii333

At School

i am at school right now. i am in biology...there's a substitute teacher, and theres only a few people in class--Alisha, Rachel, Brittany, Tricia, Amy, and Myself. i hate this keyboard...i keep having to hit backspace, because sometimes it decides it's not going to do what i want it to. Rachel and Amy are arguing about the leaf project. it's kind of annoying. just a little. now Tricia's joined in...how fun. anyways, i've started writing poetry and short stories and shit again...i kind of didn't have time for a while, but...writing keeps me sane. so i have to make time to write.

i also started a notebook, where at least once a day, i take time to write down something positive. i'm trying to get my bright outlook on life back. sometime in the past four years, i lost it. i'm not sure where...probably somewhere between sixth and seventh grade. i miss the happy, cheerful, optomistic Brianna. the dark, angry, tired, selfish Brianna needs to go, so i can move on with my life, and forget about things i've done that...well...continue to tempt me.

i'll add in some of my finished products, when i finish them.

no QUOTE OF THE DAY today...i don't have my quotes on this computer.

xoxo

Brii333

Submissive?

"A submissive depends upon a dominant partner not only for instruction, but for purpouse and meaning."
~Doctor Spencer Reid, Criminal Minds, Season 3, Episode 7.

what??? that saying...reminds me of...me? oh my god. i myself have said it: i prefer to follow someone else, and i have trouble functioning by myself. does that mean i'm like Henry Frost? the one that follows submissively behind the murderer, doing exactly as he's told? and when the dominant one dies...he tries to become him? i don't know if i'd ever become a murderer...i'm sure i wouldn't. but still... that doesn't make me feel any less shitty about it.

Enjoying YouTube

i love youtube. it's very entertaining. i probably spend most of my time on the computer on youtube.

really, i don't know why i opened a new blog guy. i really don't have anything to say.

maybe i'll just sit here and look at stuff on youtube and when i think of something to say, i'll say it.

and it's been an hour and i still have nothing to say.

toodles!!!!

Mainly Filled with Complaints and Cats

ARRRGH!!!!
Claude is going to the homecoming dance at his girlfriend's school with her. (his tall blonde, skinny girlfriend) :/ i think he tells me these things on purpouse. it drives me crazy, knowing that tonight, he's going to be out with her until midnight.
needless to say, i'm left out of our school's homecoming next friday.
maybe i'll go and kiss on a random girl in front of him, see what he says.
yeah right.
i never do stuff like that. ever. i have never been kissed, nobody's stayed in a relationship with me longer then a few weeks. but i think i've complained about that before. i can't say i haven't been danced with. Michaela found out i had never been danced with and all but dragged me out on the dance floor and danced with me. which was nice of her, i suppose.
maybe i should just accept that i'm the one that's supposed to sit on the sidelines, be happy about it, and make people glad they aren't me.

is it wrong of me to know Claude is committed, know it, but give him hugs all the time, and flirt (just a little)? i just can't help it! it makes me feel...safe. protected. like i could face anything.

you know, i don't see what the big deal is about me liking girls and boys. there's nothing wrong with that, is there? people seem to enjoy making me miserable over it. i don't let it show, but it's annoying. i hate it.

and i'm getting a little bit bemused with my friends. especially Kate. she acts all like, nice to me, for the most part, but then every once in a while, something shows through that makes me think she would rather i just went away, like Two Fish, Red Fish, and Blue Fish.
i can't help but feel a little hurt. at the start of their idea of a band, i was included, i was going to be bassist. but then i sit next to them in choir, and her and Emily seem to be planning their band with Jesse as bassist.
which i guess makes more sense. i'm not the greatest by far at bass. but they could have just SAID they didn't want me in the band. is that wrong of me, to feel a bit insulted at that?
of course i won't say anything. that would make me seem...i don't know...all those stupid, idiotic terms they use for people who have feelings.

i've also been thinking about..well...cats. i realized that i can put every single one of my friends as a type of cat. except me, because, well, i don't know me that well.

Rachel--is a bit like my aunt's siemese, Feebee. she acts all haughty and "don't touch me" but then when her guard goes down, she's really very loveable. except Feebee isn't really loveable, exactly. she lets you pet her. when she's sleeping...

Billie--the playful young cat whos just barely out of kittenhood and not hugely cuddley anymore. not that she ISN'T cuddly, she just acts all tough and not cuddley.

Kate--kind of like a playful, fluffy, cuddley kitten. a lot like my siemese kitten, Dreamah.

Tricia--exactly like Feebee. the only times you catch her off her guard and loveable is when she's too tired to act up.

Amy--the loveable stray. you know, the one that really doesn't belong to anyone but will let you pet it a lot and pick it up occasionally.

Emily--the one that wants to be played with A LOT but the moment she decides things aren't going her way, she attacks. viciously. (i hope to the powers that be she never reads this..)

Claude--like my cat Bonners. he likes to be petted but sometimes hurts your feelings a bit by just kind of leaving. except Bonners just leaves. Claude insults sometimes.

Jesse--he's...more like the adult cat that sticks around to make sure the younger ones don't play too rough.

Alisha--a lot like my Oscar...the one that loves to be played with but sometimes gets just a tad bit carried away (more like a LOT carried away. i have a few scars from his "games." ouch. )

and i guess...i would be more like a puppy then a cat. like..a golden retriever, or some dog that gets really attatched to it's owners. i can't help but follow people around obediently. slightly annoying, but obedient and loyal. like a puppy.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Hello, hello, this is Romeo
Calling from a jackpot telephone
Shame, shame, but I love your name
And the way you make the buffalo roam
Oh fly, fly, I guess this is goodbye
Oh you packed up your heart
And you left no souvenirs
But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where Ill be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent cant see
You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover
Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs
Once, twice I thought it might be nice
To come into your kitchen and play
Cool, cool just a crazy fool
I never saw it any other way
Oh wait, wait I guess Im just too late
Oh you made up your mind
Love shouldnt be so hard
But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where Ill be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent cant see
You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover
Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs
No shirts, no shoes
No jackets, no blues
You cars for sale
You forward your mail
Youre growing your hair
You dont want to know where
Im calling you from
Or how come
But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where Ill be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent cant see
You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover
Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs
~Melissa Ethridge
~No Souvenirs





love,
Brianna

Fish

my poor, poor fishy...i think Napolean's days are numbered.
i have a lot of fish...i had ten, but then Two Fish, Red Fish, and Blue Fish all disappeared (i don't know where they went. i've come to the conclusion they were abducted by aliens. of course, they could have just died and been eaten by the other fish, but that's not nearly as good a story, is it?).
Len is a neon pink goldfish. Cartney is a neon yellow goldfish. One fish is the last of my four glow-tetras. Fred and George are two black-skirt-tetras, and Napolean is the third black-skirt-tetra. the three of them used to all just be "Fred" but recently, Napolean started to swim with a sort of a...limp, i guess would be the best way to describe it. so i changed his name to "Napolean" and one other fish to "George." i don't know why Napolean has a "limp," but i'm thinking he may be not long for this world.
oh, yes...i also have a Japanese bottom-feeder named Crappy. (because he eats fish shit.) i forget about him a lot, because i hardly ever see him. he hides in the rocks at the bottom of the tank a lot. anti-social little man, he is. at least, i think he's a man.

God, Blogs, and Bombs

god...you know what, i guess i do believe there's something out there. but god? i don't know. i suppose if there is god, then he must be VERY irritated. i mean, i would be. and anyway, i doubt the christian god is really real. i mean, the bible has too many things unanswered that we're not supposed to ask about. a friend of mine made a good point: they don't want us to ask about it because when we do, we discover that there's too many holes in the whole thing for it to make any sense.

and i've been wondering, why do we blog? it's not like anyone's really going to read it. i mean, come on, how many blogs are there out there? it's not like one insignificant little girl like me is going to make much of a difference with a blog, because really all i do is ramble on about shit like this. whos going to want to read it? and yet i blog anyways. something to think about...

you know how terrorists always bomb places like...well, the twin towers? something IMPORTANT, where lots of lives will be lost? well, what they fail to mention is the places a terrorist ISN'T going to bomb...a rock show (who's going to care about a bunch of angsty teenage "delinquents" [as we seem to frequently be called, though i'm far from a "delinquent"] moshing in front of a stage of musicians who sing about war and anger and all the things they cost us?), or a prison (criminals? pscht...who cares.), or a rehab center (drug addicts? suicidals? why do they matter?), or a small town filled with retired people and those who have lived there for generations, so on and so forth. i mean, why should we care about anyone who ISN'T a polotician, or ISN'T some high society idiot? this all should make me feel better (i mean, I'M not ever going to get bombed, as things stand now...) but it doesn't. if i'm not important enough to get blown up, it seems i'm not important enough for anything.

did that make sense to you? :/

QUOTE OF THE DAY

you said, "we're not celebraties.
we spark and fade, they die by threes."
i'll make you understand,
and you can trade me for an apparation...
stand up fucking tall, don't let them see your back
and take my fucking hand
and never...
trust, you said, who put the words in your head.
oh, how wrong we were to think
that immortality meant never dying...

~My Chemical Romance
~Our Lady Of Sorrows

Good and Evil

pondering on good and evil this morning, as i listen to Chevelle and Breaking Benjamin on youtube and eat my yogurt and begel.
if you really think about it, really really take the time to take an unbiased look at views of good and evil...there is no good and there is no evil. just because one person believes that something is good and something is evil, well, maybe someone else has the exact opposite view.
i don't do what i think is good, or right. i do what is in line with my values. i help people, because i think that's what we're all here to do: help others who need it. some people don't believe that, that's okay. myself, i'd probably throw myself in the line of fire to save someone that i hardly knew.
i avoid things that i don't believe fit into my line of values. i'm a vegetarian...i don't kill:i don't even kill a bug if i don't have to. (i'm even hesitating on my bug project for biology. i don't want to kill anything! unless you count mosquitoes...and i actually only kill those if they've landed right on me.) (does that make me pathetic?)



i hate being alone. i don't really count my parents as company: at mom's, she's always either yelling at me or critisizing me, and at dad's, it's like he says a few things to me and then "spending quality time" with me is playing music we both like while i cut up veggies and he puts it all into soup or something like that. or he shows me music videos on the internet. the rest of the time he just sits there at his computer and either works or plays his video game.

he's not even here right now. at least when he's here i actually have someone there to pretend i'm not feeling like shit to.

i'm sick of not raising a finger to anyone. i can't stand up for myself. it doesn't matter what someone does to me, i always just pretend like it didn't affect me. if my friend is having a bad day and loses it when they happen to be talking to me, i just take it.

one friend in particular. she hasn't done anything yet this year, but i'm waiting for it to happen. there's this one guy she feels like she has to impress all the time, and if he's anywhere near, she treats me like shit. one time, she just walked into the room and i started to tell her something and i had hardly finished a sentance when she told me to go die in a fire. i very nearly cried. before i did, i just left. i don't know if she thought it was funny, but that still hurts. she never apoogized...the closest thing to an apology i ever got and ever will get from her is that she starts talking to me about something with this look on her face that basically says "please don't talk about it." so i don't. i just let her walk all over me. and a few other friends, too. my cousin. random people that i don't even know that well. even the friends that mean well and i know don't try to just walk over me where i've already been steamrolled, which makes it so they really don't make quite as much of an indent because i've already been turned into a welcome mat.

what is wrong with me????????? why do i put up with it?????????????????????????


i wish i could tell Billie and Kate and Emily why i won't ask Claude out, but i can't. i already know he'd say no and that's all there is to it. they think he'd say yes, but i think they're trying to feed me a false confidence. not on purpouse...i'm just not dateable!!!!!!!!! i can't even say why i won't, because i don't really understand it myself.

i like this song, so it will be my
QUOTE OF THE DAY

We watch the season pull up its own stakes,
And catch the last weekend of the last week,
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced.
Another sun soaked season fades away.

You have stolen my heart.
You have stolen my heart.

Invitation only grand farewells.
Crash the best one, of the best ones.
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight.

You have stolen my heart.
You have stolen my heart.

And from the ballroom floor we are a celebration.
One good stretch before our hibernation.
Our dreams assured and we all will sleep well, sleep well.
Sleep well, sleep well, sleep well.

You have stolen,
You have stolen,
You have stolen my heart.

I watch you spin around in your highest heels.
You are the best one, of the best ones.
We all look like we feel.

You have stolen my,
You have stolen my,
You have stolen my heart.

~Dashboard Confessional
~Stolen

i haven't written anything for a while. i'm sorry.

i've been feeling so crazy lately...crazy because it's like i don't feel any really strong emotions...ever...i laugh, sometimes almost crazily, i cry sometimes, and again, sometimes almost looking like a crazy person, but i don't really feel the emotion that caused it. i want so desperately to feel something. i want someone, something, anything, anyone, to wake me up, somehow...

the only things that make me feel any type of inside emotion is really passionate music...like the song i'm listening to right now... "Well Enough Alone," by Chevelle. i don't have that particular album by them, but i have two others, and i want whatever this one's on.

i never thought that i'd understand when i listen to Sully Erna of Godsmack sing "Never thought i would be sick of my life..."


on to other things...

i have a bit of a thing for this guy in my school, my cousin's ex-boyfriend. i really like him...he's one of the few people who are decent to me. and i made the mistake of telling BJ, my best friend of ten years, and Kate and Emily. they think i should ask him out. i don't think i'm dating material. i've been in three relationships and only one of them lasted longer then two weeks, and that was because she dumped me and then asked me out again. so in all, it was three weeks. also, i am just not attractive. i don't care what my mother says, she only says it because i'm her daughter and she has to. i'm not pretty or at all attractive to anyone in any way, and i doubt i ever will be. it's not fair, but life isn't, and it's the truth.

i'm the sort of girl who likes to be in a relationship that lasts a while...i like to feel loved, to feel like i matter enough to someone to have them stick around for a while. i like Claude, like him a lot, but i guess i just don't have the confidence to go and ask someone out. i just don't.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Paralyzed. Nothing's getting through to me.
Hypnotized from all my surroundings.
I wanna be something I could never be.
I wanna say things that I could never say.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!
Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.
Dragged down. Rubbing my face in the ground.
No time for the undecided.
I wanna know why I've always felt alone,
And I wanna love. Why am I untouchable?
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!
Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.
I never wanted to be sick of my life.
I'm tired of everything in my life

~Godsmack
~Sick of Life