At School

i am at school right now. i am in biology...there's a substitute teacher, and theres only a few people in class--Alisha, Rachel, Brittany, Tricia, Amy, and Myself. i hate this keyboard...i keep having to hit backspace, because sometimes it decides it's not going to do what i want it to. Rachel and Amy are arguing about the leaf project. it's kind of annoying. just a little. now Tricia's joined in...how fun. anyways, i've started writing poetry and short stories and shit again...i kind of didn't have time for a while, but...writing keeps me sane. so i have to make time to write.

i also started a notebook, where at least once a day, i take time to write down something positive. i'm trying to get my bright outlook on life back. sometime in the past four years, i lost it. i'm not sure where...probably somewhere between sixth and seventh grade. i miss the happy, cheerful, optomistic Brianna. the dark, angry, tired, selfish Brianna needs to go, so i can move on with my life, and forget about things i've done that...well...continue to tempt me.

i'll add in some of my finished products, when i finish them.

no QUOTE OF THE DAY today...i don't have my quotes on this computer.

xoxo

Brii333

Submissive?

"A submissive depends upon a dominant partner not only for instruction, but for purpouse and meaning."
~Doctor Spencer Reid, Criminal Minds, Season 3, Episode 7.

what??? that saying...reminds me of...me? oh my god. i myself have said it: i prefer to follow someone else, and i have trouble functioning by myself. does that mean i'm like Henry Frost? the one that follows submissively behind the murderer, doing exactly as he's told? and when the dominant one dies...he tries to become him? i don't know if i'd ever become a murderer...i'm sure i wouldn't. but still... that doesn't make me feel any less shitty about it.

Enjoying YouTube

i love youtube. it's very entertaining. i probably spend most of my time on the computer on youtube.

really, i don't know why i opened a new blog guy. i really don't have anything to say.

maybe i'll just sit here and look at stuff on youtube and when i think of something to say, i'll say it.

and it's been an hour and i still have nothing to say.

toodles!!!!

Mainly Filled with Complaints and Cats

ARRRGH!!!!
Claude is going to the homecoming dance at his girlfriend's school with her. (his tall blonde, skinny girlfriend) :/ i think he tells me these things on purpouse. it drives me crazy, knowing that tonight, he's going to be out with her until midnight.
needless to say, i'm left out of our school's homecoming next friday.
maybe i'll go and kiss on a random girl in front of him, see what he says.
yeah right.
i never do stuff like that. ever. i have never been kissed, nobody's stayed in a relationship with me longer then a few weeks. but i think i've complained about that before. i can't say i haven't been danced with. Michaela found out i had never been danced with and all but dragged me out on the dance floor and danced with me. which was nice of her, i suppose.
maybe i should just accept that i'm the one that's supposed to sit on the sidelines, be happy about it, and make people glad they aren't me.

is it wrong of me to know Claude is committed, know it, but give him hugs all the time, and flirt (just a little)? i just can't help it! it makes me feel...safe. protected. like i could face anything.

you know, i don't see what the big deal is about me liking girls and boys. there's nothing wrong with that, is there? people seem to enjoy making me miserable over it. i don't let it show, but it's annoying. i hate it.

and i'm getting a little bit bemused with my friends. especially Kate. she acts all like, nice to me, for the most part, but then every once in a while, something shows through that makes me think she would rather i just went away, like Two Fish, Red Fish, and Blue Fish.
i can't help but feel a little hurt. at the start of their idea of a band, i was included, i was going to be bassist. but then i sit next to them in choir, and her and Emily seem to be planning their band with Jesse as bassist.
which i guess makes more sense. i'm not the greatest by far at bass. but they could have just SAID they didn't want me in the band. is that wrong of me, to feel a bit insulted at that?
of course i won't say anything. that would make me seem...i don't know...all those stupid, idiotic terms they use for people who have feelings.

i've also been thinking about..well...cats. i realized that i can put every single one of my friends as a type of cat. except me, because, well, i don't know me that well.

Rachel--is a bit like my aunt's siemese, Feebee. she acts all haughty and "don't touch me" but then when her guard goes down, she's really very loveable. except Feebee isn't really loveable, exactly. she lets you pet her. when she's sleeping...

Billie--the playful young cat whos just barely out of kittenhood and not hugely cuddley anymore. not that she ISN'T cuddly, she just acts all tough and not cuddley.

Kate--kind of like a playful, fluffy, cuddley kitten. a lot like my siemese kitten, Dreamah.

Tricia--exactly like Feebee. the only times you catch her off her guard and loveable is when she's too tired to act up.

Amy--the loveable stray. you know, the one that really doesn't belong to anyone but will let you pet it a lot and pick it up occasionally.

Emily--the one that wants to be played with A LOT but the moment she decides things aren't going her way, she attacks. viciously. (i hope to the powers that be she never reads this..)

Claude--like my cat Bonners. he likes to be petted but sometimes hurts your feelings a bit by just kind of leaving. except Bonners just leaves. Claude insults sometimes.

Jesse--he's...more like the adult cat that sticks around to make sure the younger ones don't play too rough.

Alisha--a lot like my Oscar...the one that loves to be played with but sometimes gets just a tad bit carried away (more like a LOT carried away. i have a few scars from his "games." ouch. )

and i guess...i would be more like a puppy then a cat. like..a golden retriever, or some dog that gets really attatched to it's owners. i can't help but follow people around obediently. slightly annoying, but obedient and loyal. like a puppy.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Hello, hello, this is Romeo
Calling from a jackpot telephone
Shame, shame, but I love your name
And the way you make the buffalo roam
Oh fly, fly, I guess this is goodbye
Oh you packed up your heart
And you left no souvenirs
But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where Ill be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent cant see
You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover
Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs
Once, twice I thought it might be nice
To come into your kitchen and play
Cool, cool just a crazy fool
I never saw it any other way
Oh wait, wait I guess Im just too late
Oh you made up your mind
Love shouldnt be so hard
But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where Ill be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent cant see
You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover
Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs
No shirts, no shoes
No jackets, no blues
You cars for sale
You forward your mail
Youre growing your hair
You dont want to know where
Im calling you from
Or how come
But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where Ill be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent cant see
You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover
Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs
~Melissa Ethridge
~No Souvenirs





love,
Brianna

Fish

my poor, poor fishy...i think Napolean's days are numbered.
i have a lot of fish...i had ten, but then Two Fish, Red Fish, and Blue Fish all disappeared (i don't know where they went. i've come to the conclusion they were abducted by aliens. of course, they could have just died and been eaten by the other fish, but that's not nearly as good a story, is it?).
Len is a neon pink goldfish. Cartney is a neon yellow goldfish. One fish is the last of my four glow-tetras. Fred and George are two black-skirt-tetras, and Napolean is the third black-skirt-tetra. the three of them used to all just be "Fred" but recently, Napolean started to swim with a sort of a...limp, i guess would be the best way to describe it. so i changed his name to "Napolean" and one other fish to "George." i don't know why Napolean has a "limp," but i'm thinking he may be not long for this world.
oh, yes...i also have a Japanese bottom-feeder named Crappy. (because he eats fish shit.) i forget about him a lot, because i hardly ever see him. he hides in the rocks at the bottom of the tank a lot. anti-social little man, he is. at least, i think he's a man.

God, Blogs, and Bombs

god...you know what, i guess i do believe there's something out there. but god? i don't know. i suppose if there is god, then he must be VERY irritated. i mean, i would be. and anyway, i doubt the christian god is really real. i mean, the bible has too many things unanswered that we're not supposed to ask about. a friend of mine made a good point: they don't want us to ask about it because when we do, we discover that there's too many holes in the whole thing for it to make any sense.

and i've been wondering, why do we blog? it's not like anyone's really going to read it. i mean, come on, how many blogs are there out there? it's not like one insignificant little girl like me is going to make much of a difference with a blog, because really all i do is ramble on about shit like this. whos going to want to read it? and yet i blog anyways. something to think about...

you know how terrorists always bomb places like...well, the twin towers? something IMPORTANT, where lots of lives will be lost? well, what they fail to mention is the places a terrorist ISN'T going to bomb...a rock show (who's going to care about a bunch of angsty teenage "delinquents" [as we seem to frequently be called, though i'm far from a "delinquent"] moshing in front of a stage of musicians who sing about war and anger and all the things they cost us?), or a prison (criminals? pscht...who cares.), or a rehab center (drug addicts? suicidals? why do they matter?), or a small town filled with retired people and those who have lived there for generations, so on and so forth. i mean, why should we care about anyone who ISN'T a polotician, or ISN'T some high society idiot? this all should make me feel better (i mean, I'M not ever going to get bombed, as things stand now...) but it doesn't. if i'm not important enough to get blown up, it seems i'm not important enough for anything.

did that make sense to you? :/

QUOTE OF THE DAY

you said, "we're not celebraties.
we spark and fade, they die by threes."
i'll make you understand,
and you can trade me for an apparation...
stand up fucking tall, don't let them see your back
and take my fucking hand
and never...
trust, you said, who put the words in your head.
oh, how wrong we were to think
that immortality meant never dying...

~My Chemical Romance
~Our Lady Of Sorrows

Good and Evil

pondering on good and evil this morning, as i listen to Chevelle and Breaking Benjamin on youtube and eat my yogurt and begel.
if you really think about it, really really take the time to take an unbiased look at views of good and evil...there is no good and there is no evil. just because one person believes that something is good and something is evil, well, maybe someone else has the exact opposite view.
i don't do what i think is good, or right. i do what is in line with my values. i help people, because i think that's what we're all here to do: help others who need it. some people don't believe that, that's okay. myself, i'd probably throw myself in the line of fire to save someone that i hardly knew.
i avoid things that i don't believe fit into my line of values. i'm a vegetarian...i don't kill:i don't even kill a bug if i don't have to. (i'm even hesitating on my bug project for biology. i don't want to kill anything! unless you count mosquitoes...and i actually only kill those if they've landed right on me.) (does that make me pathetic?)



i hate being alone. i don't really count my parents as company: at mom's, she's always either yelling at me or critisizing me, and at dad's, it's like he says a few things to me and then "spending quality time" with me is playing music we both like while i cut up veggies and he puts it all into soup or something like that. or he shows me music videos on the internet. the rest of the time he just sits there at his computer and either works or plays his video game.

he's not even here right now. at least when he's here i actually have someone there to pretend i'm not feeling like shit to.

i'm sick of not raising a finger to anyone. i can't stand up for myself. it doesn't matter what someone does to me, i always just pretend like it didn't affect me. if my friend is having a bad day and loses it when they happen to be talking to me, i just take it.

one friend in particular. she hasn't done anything yet this year, but i'm waiting for it to happen. there's this one guy she feels like she has to impress all the time, and if he's anywhere near, she treats me like shit. one time, she just walked into the room and i started to tell her something and i had hardly finished a sentance when she told me to go die in a fire. i very nearly cried. before i did, i just left. i don't know if she thought it was funny, but that still hurts. she never apoogized...the closest thing to an apology i ever got and ever will get from her is that she starts talking to me about something with this look on her face that basically says "please don't talk about it." so i don't. i just let her walk all over me. and a few other friends, too. my cousin. random people that i don't even know that well. even the friends that mean well and i know don't try to just walk over me where i've already been steamrolled, which makes it so they really don't make quite as much of an indent because i've already been turned into a welcome mat.

what is wrong with me????????? why do i put up with it?????????????????????????


i wish i could tell Billie and Kate and Emily why i won't ask Claude out, but i can't. i already know he'd say no and that's all there is to it. they think he'd say yes, but i think they're trying to feed me a false confidence. not on purpouse...i'm just not dateable!!!!!!!!! i can't even say why i won't, because i don't really understand it myself.

i like this song, so it will be my
QUOTE OF THE DAY

We watch the season pull up its own stakes,
And catch the last weekend of the last week,
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced.
Another sun soaked season fades away.

You have stolen my heart.
You have stolen my heart.

Invitation only grand farewells.
Crash the best one, of the best ones.
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight.

You have stolen my heart.
You have stolen my heart.

And from the ballroom floor we are a celebration.
One good stretch before our hibernation.
Our dreams assured and we all will sleep well, sleep well.
Sleep well, sleep well, sleep well.

You have stolen,
You have stolen,
You have stolen my heart.

I watch you spin around in your highest heels.
You are the best one, of the best ones.
We all look like we feel.

You have stolen my,
You have stolen my,
You have stolen my heart.

~Dashboard Confessional
~Stolen

i haven't written anything for a while. i'm sorry.

i've been feeling so crazy lately...crazy because it's like i don't feel any really strong emotions...ever...i laugh, sometimes almost crazily, i cry sometimes, and again, sometimes almost looking like a crazy person, but i don't really feel the emotion that caused it. i want so desperately to feel something. i want someone, something, anything, anyone, to wake me up, somehow...

the only things that make me feel any type of inside emotion is really passionate music...like the song i'm listening to right now... "Well Enough Alone," by Chevelle. i don't have that particular album by them, but i have two others, and i want whatever this one's on.

i never thought that i'd understand when i listen to Sully Erna of Godsmack sing "Never thought i would be sick of my life..."


on to other things...

i have a bit of a thing for this guy in my school, my cousin's ex-boyfriend. i really like him...he's one of the few people who are decent to me. and i made the mistake of telling BJ, my best friend of ten years, and Kate and Emily. they think i should ask him out. i don't think i'm dating material. i've been in three relationships and only one of them lasted longer then two weeks, and that was because she dumped me and then asked me out again. so in all, it was three weeks. also, i am just not attractive. i don't care what my mother says, she only says it because i'm her daughter and she has to. i'm not pretty or at all attractive to anyone in any way, and i doubt i ever will be. it's not fair, but life isn't, and it's the truth.

i'm the sort of girl who likes to be in a relationship that lasts a while...i like to feel loved, to feel like i matter enough to someone to have them stick around for a while. i like Claude, like him a lot, but i guess i just don't have the confidence to go and ask someone out. i just don't.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Paralyzed. Nothing's getting through to me.
Hypnotized from all my surroundings.
I wanna be something I could never be.
I wanna say things that I could never say.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!
Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.
Dragged down. Rubbing my face in the ground.
No time for the undecided.
I wanna know why I've always felt alone,
And I wanna love. Why am I untouchable?
Yeah, I'm gonna do it again!
Sick of my life. I'm tired of everything in my life.
I never wanted to be sick of my life.
I'm tired of everything in my life

~Godsmack
~Sick of Life