Confusion, Fear, and Coffee

i'm so confused...
most of the time, i think i'm a lesbian.
then there are a few times when i think i'm bi.
then there are times when i decide that it doesn't matter what i am, or who i love. (which i love no one anymore. not that way.) i'm so mixed up about it...i want to kiss girls, i LOVE girls...cuz... lets just say i see a guy...and he's cute, i'm attracted to him...and then...i see the girl he's with... and she is much, much more attractive to me. does that make me mostly lesbian?
why do i even need a label anyway?

i'm afraid.
i'm afraid of when Daddy finds out. i'm afraid that i'm going to loose close friends because they'll think i'm hitting on them. which i've NEVER done, but i almost lost a friend because she thought i was hitting on her, although that was a while ago. but what if it happens? again? and what if this time, i actually do loose someone i care about? i'm afraid to totally be myself. i can't even be myself when i'm around my therepist. there are so many things E. (which is what i'll call her) doesn't know about me, that she probably should know...like the time that i had twenty-some painkillers down and then i swallowed nail polish remover and then puked. (don't do that. nail polish remover makes it feel like something in your stomach is trying to claw their way out of your stomach with rusty nails. not that i know what that feels like, i'm just guessing.) and how, on easter, i put twenty-seven (yeah, i counted) cuts in my upper left arm and they went so deep, they're still a bright pinkish-reddish-purpley color. i'm afraid that i'm not living up to my expectations everybody else has for me. what if Mom and Dad's idea that they have for me doesn't work out? Dad has it in his head i'm going to be a major musician, which would be wonderful, and Mom has it in her head that i'm going to have a ton of money. but i don't want a ton of money. i don't want to end up signed to some major record label. i just want to make a difference in the world and do what fate has planned for me, whether that's a journalist, a musician, a prostitute or a fucking weatherman (well...weatherwoman). but what if my family decides they don't care about me anymore because i don't end up how they pictured i should?

i want coffee.
i haven't had a decent cup of coffee in over a week. everything i've drank has tasted like shitinacup.

Quote of the Day
“Sometimes…
“You can cry until there is nothing left in you.
“You can scream and curse to where your throat rebels and ruptures.
“You can pray, all you want, to whatever god you think will listen.
“And, still, it makes no difference.
“It goes on, with no sign as to when it might release you.
“And you know that if it did relent…
“It would not be because it cared.”
~Jhonen Vasquez
~JTHM

Peace,
Brii333